1-2 Knock-Out Punch
You know the crash that was coming? Wow....didn't see it did I? Even after typing that it was coming did I not come anywhere near close to see it coming. Oops. Guess getting blindsided by insecurity shouldn't be new to me. But the 1-2 punch I got hit with definitely was a knock out....for the day.
I have been working, committing, and genuinely happy with how things are going. Feeling stronger and stronger by the day. I was invited to a team building activity outside of the hospital yesterday. And initially I thought I couldn't go...too many cases which I need more experience doing. But the stars aligned, ie a patient cancelled and I had time. (Now as a side note....control and discipline are two very strong characteristics in surgeons. So as you imagine there are relatively few overweight surgeons. None in my training program.This is a whole blog in and of itself.) Then it was time to get dressed. Hint-when all you wear are scrubs and yoga pants it is very easy to lose track of your size. And I have fallen into that trap. Part of my goals are to get back to a place where I can enjoy the wardrobe I own...maybe even beyond that but that's something I can't nor do I want to focus on now. So getting dressed into normal clothes is challenging. I don't see what you see...I see every imperfection, every extra pound, every scar, every wrinkle. I see everything that's wrong. I've been told the name for it is Body Dysmorphic Disorder. I assumed this is what everyone sees when they look in the mirror. That shirt stretches funny over your waist, the sleeve is too tight on your arm, when you twist the pants do something funny on your leg. But with a lot of encouragement from the love of my life and after about 4 outfits I walked out the door. To the driving range-yeah not my initial choice but it was a lot of fun. A beer, a few golf balls, a few air swings and a lot of relaxing and laughing with my co-residents.
And then when I was driving home it came. The little jingle of my text messages. And when I pulled in the drive way I looked at the message. It was a video of one of my better swings from a co-resident. That's when the rage starts. Who let me leave the house looking like THAT?! Why on earth did I go to this. How do I even function looking like that? Why do I even own that outfit. I am never going out in public...I am never going anywhere but work.
I sulked for the rest of the night. Back into yogas and a tshirt. Back to my comfort zone. I didn't really eat horribly but I had a tiny treat to soothe me, which never works by the way. And I didn't work out....after 10 days of being strong and healthy I gave up for a night. And you know what....it's ok that I didn't work out. It's not ok to give up.
Today....with less rage I went to work and did my thing. And when I came home, I drank my pre workout and did it. I put my heart and soul and weight into becoming stronger. While I still don't love my waist size, it can't be about that. It has to be about me in total. The way I feel has to mean more then what I see....which is not the same as what everyone else sees or so I'm told.
I'm thankful for the support in my life. Those who have the strength to continue through this journey with me. And this outlet to allow me to understand what I'm going through. I won't be perfect. I won't come close. But I'm going to continue to get stronger and try harder....all I have is to put everything I have into this....and that has to be enough.
